The me you do not know.

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Valley of the (porn) Dolls, California, United States
Ponderings of an underachiever, A perfectionist. A lazy bum. Obsessive Maniac. Aspiring saint. Sinner. Closet socialist. Unapologetic Capitalist. Nationalist with Colonial Mentality. Catholic. Liberation Theologist. Frustrated rock star. Old Dog. Middle-aged young boy.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Loss.

I already know this is going to be a bad idea...

My blood pressure has been really erratic. I have gone back to doing martial arts to get healthier. Ok to look better... But primarily because I now accept my mortality. I know my body has a shelf life.

I do not know how I got this notion, but somehow I think I have maybe about a good 15 years. To some that is morbidly scary, to a few that is a lot of time.

Being around people younger than me, I want to think that their youth and passion rub off on me. My arrogant self though wish that something of me rubs off on them too. One thing in particular:

They should appreciate their youth because it does pass quickly.

In what seems like a blink of an eye, hairlines recede, you get rounder around the belly, eyesight start failing, droopy eyebags, hair where you didn't think hair belonged. Meds of all sort lining your bedside table, pissing with your hand pushing the wall for balance... yeah i thought that I was gonna burn out and not rust... but here I am... rusting away.

But what happens when somebody so bright, and cheerful and full of promise is gone? It effs me up even more. It is like basic rule just got broken. That somebody cut in line. That the world is not right.

As I write this I can feel my blood pressure is getting up there again. I know because I get this throbbing first on my shoulders, then neck then finally my head feels like a bowling ball. Oh the people out there close to my age know this feeling all too well. But I keep writing...   because I know if I stop I will never finish this. Oh yeah, procrastination... it did not seem to leave me with age.

Yeah I am part of THAT demographic now. I used to think people over 29 were old. Yup how stupid.
For a while before I started this particular spiel I said I was going to write my 18 year old self.. but then I knew my 18 year old self... he didn't listen to anybody. Definitely did not care to follow advice. I was the guy who touched the iron even when I was told it was hot. I wanted to burn for my self.

I am in pain. No. Actually I am pissed. The world is not right. Things aren't right. Fly the flag upside down.

There was this trashy Justin Timberlake movie about Time... I knew it was crap but I watched it... because the premise intrigued me. In the movie, people got paid in time. You do work you get paid in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. But even in the movie, life was whacked. Some people barely scraped by and some had centuries of time.

I am old. But if I do have just 15 more years left, I should make it count. Because I lost someone who was 19.

The world lost a little bit of it's color last Friday.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Binaural Beats

I came across something on the web. It is called Binaural Beat

Wikipedia says:
Binaural beats reportedly influence the brain in more subtle ways through the entrainment of brainwaves and have been claimed to reduce anxiety and to provide other health benefits such as control over pain.

I tried it. I am not sure if it is snake oil. But I swear... I did get lucid dreams. Usually, I would dream but would forget seconds after waking up. But this time, it seemed so clear, so... real.

Also, at certain points just before I really went to sleep, I could see images...  Interesting.

There are free apps on iOs. You can even mask the tone with music, or sounds of waves, brooks, rain, etc.

Here is the YouTube one I tried before I downloaded it on my iPhone.

Try it. You should wear stereo headphones.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX_xgkv9MT8

Philippines.


The Philippines to me is like a relative who you sometimes wish will not show up at your wedding.

You love them but you'd wish they weren't such a pain in the ass.

You will never disown them. They are your flesh and blood. You will never turn your back on them. You will defend them at the risk of serious bodily harm...even death. But that does not mean you wish they were different. There are days when you could just strangle them.

Haaaay Philippines.

What is there to do? HELP. Be a catalyst for positive change. HELP. Do something! Bitching about issues is not helping. Gawa. Hindi dada.

Hopefully, during the next party, they'd be in long sleeved shirt not in a basketball jersey.






Thursday, August 15, 2013

Media control or Controlled media?

6 media giants control 90% of what we read watch and listen to in the US.

In 1983, 90 % of American media was owned by 50 companies. In 2011, the same 90% is owned by SIX companies. GE, News-Corp, Disney, ViaCom, Time Warner and CBS.


Should you be worried?

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Simple hope.


There is a song from a band called Warrant called "Heaven."

It says...

I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as i'm the hero of this little girl...

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Hahaha

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. - Willie Nelson

Friday, August 2, 2013

11 minutes.

The men she had met since she arrived in Geneva always did everything they could to appear confident, as if they were in perfect control of the world and of their own lives; Maria, however, could see in their eyes that they were afraid of their wife, the feeling of panic that they might not be able to get an erection, that they might not seem manly enough even to the ordinary prostitute whom they were paying for her services. If they went to a shop and didn't like the shoes they had bought, they would be quite prepared to go back, receipt in hand, and demand a refund. And yet, even though they were paying for some female company, if they didn't manage to get an erection, they would be too ashamed ever to go back to the same club again because they would assume that all the other women there would know.

‘I’m the one who should feel ashamed for being unable to arouse them, but, no, they always blame themselves.’
To avoid such embarrassments, Maria always tried to put men at their ease, and if someone seemed drunker or more fragile than usual, she would avoid full sex and concentrate instead on caresses and masturbation, which always seemed to please them immensely, absurd though this might seem, since they could perfectly well masturbate on their own.
She had to make sure that they didn't feel ashamed. These men, so powerful and arrogant at work, constantly having to deal with employees, customers, suppliers, prejudices, secrets, posturings, hypocrisy, fear and oppression, ended their day in a nightclub and they didn't mind spending three hundred and fifty Swiss francs to stop being themselves for a night.
‘For a night? Now come on, Maria, you’re exaggerating. It’s really only forty-five minutes, and if you allow time for taking off clothes, making some phony gesture of affection, having a bit of banal conversation and getting dressed again, the amount of time spent actually having sex is about eleven minutes.’
Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes.
And because of those eleven minutes in any one twenty-four-hour day (assuming that they all made love to their wives every day, which is patently absurd and a complete lie) they got married, supported a family, put up with screaming kids, thought up ridiculous excuses to justify getting home late, ogled dozens, if not hundreds of other women with whom they would like to go for a walk around Lake Geneva, bought expensive clothes for themselves and even more expensive clothes for their wives, paid prostitutes to try to give them what they were missing, and thus sustained a vast industry of cosmetics, diet foods, exercise, pornography and power, and yet when they got together with other men, contrary to popular belief, they never talked about women. They talked about jobs, money and sport.
Something was very wrong with civilization, and it wasn't the destruction of the Amazon rain forest or the ozone layer, the death of the panda, cigarettes, carcinogenic foodstuffs or prison conditions, as the newspapers would have it.
It was precisely the thing she was working with: sex.  by Paulo Coelho 

His Plan > my dream


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Rich fisherman.

The businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."


The businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."


The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, señor?" The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions, señor? Then what?" The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"

-Author Unknown

This world only cares what it can get from you.

Let's say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming. A guy rushes up and says, "Step aside." He looks over your loved one's bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife -- he's going to operate right there in the street.
Getty
"OK, which one is the injured one?"
You ask, "Are you a doctor?"
The guy says, "No."
You say, "But you know what you're doing, right? You're an old Army medic, or ..."
At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language.
Confused, you say, "How does any of that fucking matter when my (wife/husband/best friend/parent) is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?"
Now the man becomes agitated -- why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn't you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend's birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?
In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, "Yes, I'm saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole."
Getty
"I don't get it. Would it help if I put on a lab jacket? Here, one sec, let me just ..."
So here is my terrible truth about the adult world: You are in that very situation every single day. Only you are the confused guy with the pocket knife. All of society is the bleeding gunshot victim.
If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it's because society is full of people who need things. They need houses built, they need food to eat, they need entertainment, they need fulfilling sexual relationships. You arrived at the scene of that emergency, holding your pocket knife, by virtue of your birth -- the moment you came into the world, you became part of a system designed purely to see to people's needs.
Getty
"Here's that shit you needed. Now fuck off."
Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold.
Does that seem mean, or crass, or materialistic? What about love and kindness -- don't those things matter? Of course. As long as they result in you doing things for people that they can't get elsewhere.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Ozymandias

























I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away

Monday, July 29, 2013

Dreams

I have been having dreams almost every night. Normally I do not mind but they are dreams that causes stress even when I am asleep. And I can tell they disrupt my sleep patterns. I am up 3 to 4 times a night. Because of this I am sleeping a lot during the day....  I read somewhere that is a sign of depression.

Either that or I am just lazy.

There is no excuse for laziness...but I am working on one.

It's not that I am lazy... maybe I just don't care.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I feel old.




I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

So, take my love, take it down
Oh climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
Oh oh, the landslide will bring it down

LIVING THE COUNTERFEIT LIFE




Alex would print up fake 5 and 10 dollar bills on his copy machine and spend them in local delis.

"They check hundred dollar bills for counterfeit but not ten dollar bills," he told me.

Alex had a high end printing business. He'd make posters, brochures, ads. He had the best copy machines in the world.

10 employees worked for him. This was over 20 years ago. I set up his servers so I read everyone's emails.

One time one of his designers wrote an email to the secretary and said, "I can't wait to taste your strawberry buttercup tonight."

I was disappointed when I read that because I had a crush on the girl but I was intimidated by everyone I knew and ashamed to even say hello to anyone. 

At the local delis, whenever someone tried to hand me a five dollar bill back in change I'd hand it back and say, "can I have it in ones". 

Alex didn't need to print counterfeit bills. His business was successful.

I'll tell you why he did it.

Because nobody wants to work.

Nobody really wants to print posters. Or operate on your prostate. Nobody wants to sit in a conference room at a meeting about marketing insurance policies. 

This is why books like "The 4 Hour Work Week" are successful. Not because people want to work only four hours. But if Tim had written the Zero Hour Workweek nobody would've believed it. 

People want the 4 Hour Work Week because they want to be explorers and not prisoners for the other 36 hours. 

Doing their passion? Their life's purpose? Stopping global warming or malaria?

I don't know.

I doubt it.

Many people ask, "How can I find my true passion in life?"

People think, "without finding my purpose in life I won't make money or be happy."

So I will set you straight. Nobody has a purpose in life to buy and sell stocks. Or create an ad agency. Or build a big pretzel company. Or work in a cubicle. Those are tiny side effects of being alive. 

The only purpose is to do the things you enjoy, with the people you enjoy and who inspire you, as much as possible. 

Today, engage less with someone who you don't like, and engage more with someone you do. 

Today, throw something out. Maybe even throw out a bad idea you once had. Phew! It's gone. 

Write one email today to someone who helped you expand your frontier. Write "thank you" and let that feeling of gratitude marinate.

Today, let go of all of your dreams for just one moment. Don't be afraid that some of them might not come back. 

That's all. You can change the world another day. 

The only way to clean your dark room is to open the window and let the sun shine in. Right now. Then sweep the dust out. That's the best way to help the world. 

Today my passion was to lie in the middle of the road at 4:30 in the morning until the sun rose. It was fun. No cars came. Birds whistled at me flirtatiously. The sounds of the trains from the other side of the river rippled over me. 

Purpose is a man-made fiction. Nobody on their deathbed gets a plaque that says "he focused on only one thing for his entire life!" 

Those are counterfeit thoughts in a counterfeit society. 

And when you make your money, don't spend your five dollar bills all in one place or the rest of the world will try to enslave you. - Stolen on Facebook

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Time.


I have time for:

 • Facebook 


 • Twitter 


 • Texting 


 • Eating 


 • Listening to music 


 Now notice bullshit wasn't on that list.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Woo!





I have found out a long time ago that I am not one of those who yell "Woo!"

I will look at you in disdain. Shake my head in disappointment. Woo? No. Not me.

No. Don't. Please don't.

...

I need a vacation from my vacation.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Don't talk about shit you don't know crap about.

On Twitter, I see a lot of people use the word "fuck" indiscriminately.

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fucking this, fucking that.

It annoys me no end when young people say the word. Not so much because I am shocked by it. Very little shocks me anymore. It's not that. I object to them using it when I know (well kinda know) that they really haven't experienced it.

It's like somebody talking about driving but have never been at a wheel of a car. Pretentious Poser!  FUCKING stupid.

Oh yeah and I can say the word with confidence.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I Won't Hold You Back.


Currently, I am obsessed by a remix of this song by a DJ called Roger Sanchez. The Sanchez song is called "Another Chance." I particularly like the Afterlife Remix version. Anyway, he sampled it from a 1982 Toto song called I Won't Hold You Back. Interestingly enough, the original Toto's song featured the Eagle's bass player Timothy B. Schmit on backing vocals during the choruses.

I started to listen to the 80s song and got to thinking about the lyrics. And thought of the title. How noble to let somebody go because you want something better for them. Even though, you would lose them in the process.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Semi-charmed life.


I sometimes forget I live a semi-charmed life.

It is easy to desire more. More money. A palatial home. A fancier car. Fame.

One would be lying if one says it has never crossed their mind. But happiness lies not in these things but in enjoying what one has.

A true happy man is one who is able to distinguish the difference between what he needs and what he wants.

When we can not get what we love, we must love what is within our reach.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Life’s Most Underrated Activities

I am usually really unmotivated and bored, so I have fashioned ways of keeping myself entertained and amused. Here are a list of activities that one can do.
========================================================================

Going to the movies alone. Seriously – you can eat all of the snacks and it’s just you, the film and your own thoughts.

Receiving and opening packages in the mail.

A long, hot shower. Getting the water to a point of steaming, hotness and standing/squatting/sitting in it until you’re relaxed or doze off is awesome. Everybody should indulge in closing their eyes and being pelted by drops of hot water.

Staring at the sky. It’s so massive and far away — to just lie on your back and admire its beauty is something we don’t do often enough. If there are clouds to watch float by – even better.

Eating food that you get to dip. I think this derives from the magical tastiness that was Dunkaroos, but now it extends to various things from chips and queso, to chicken nuggets and dipping sauces.

Being completely lazy with someone. Just hours upon hours of nothing but conquering multiple seasons of television shows, and mastering the art of sluggishness.

Slowing down and timing the red light changing to green perfectly, thus avoiding ever having to come to a complete stop.

Rock, paper, scissors. Sometimes I try to find “not-it” situations just so I can suggest they be settled by a game of rock, paper, scissors.

Stepping on and hearing the crunch of piles of leaves.

Popping bubble wrap.

Waking up and saying “screw it,” to productivity or obligations for the day. That means calling in sick, going back to sleep and spending the day doing — or not doing, whatever you please.

Building and lounging under a pillow or blanket fort.

Listening. Not only because you’re likely allowing someone to blow off steam and release their bottled up stress, but because sometimes it’s pleasant to play silent therapist.

Flicking through an entire rack of posters at some other dimly lit mall store.

Coloring. It’s like nobody does it once we get to a double-digit age, but it still possesses the relaxation equivalent of a cup of hot tea and a book.

Nighttime drives with the windows down and the music blaring through your speakers while you’re alone with your own thoughts and tunes.

Grabbing a plate at a buffet and having at the unlimited amounts of grub you can pile onto your plate.

The drive back on a road trip. Sure there’s excitement, anticipation and mystery on the way there – but the way back is when the entire experience is discussed and reflected upon from all of the participants perspectives.

Peeling protective sheets of plastic off of brand new electronics.

Random, lucid dreaming moments in which you know it’s just a dream, yet you’re still in there with full control of yourself.

Living like a slob in your hotel room. It’s a short-term mess that we’d never allow in our actual home, but since this is temporary we leave clothes, food, papers and garbage everywhere. Also, we don’t have to make beds or be neat with towels and junk – room service neatens things up for us.

Being underrated. Yes, it’d be fun for people to hype up and support you all the time, but as an underdog you’re given you the opportunity to prove doubters and naysayers wrong.

Saying “yes” to somebody – doesn’t matter what they’re asking of you, something about being able to say “yes” is pleasant.

Partaking in a hug that began with a running start and sometimes is met with one or both parties in midair.

Going through loud, wet, sudsy carwashes that feel like a poor man’s Universal Studios, special effects experience.

Throwing on clothes that came straight from the dryer.

Making someone who’s having a bad day or isn’t in the best mood genuinely smile or laugh.

Sharing high-fives with complete strangers over something you can both appreciate…

Removing your shoes by kicking them off with your feet, and never having to bend or kneel down.

Verbally taking advantage of being able to tell your loved ones you love them while they’re around to hear it, and you’re around to say it.

What is YOUR problem?


Today, a question was posed to people in the room. What is the cross that you bear?

In my head I was thinking of how I find a lot of people trivial. How I have a short attention span. How I easily get bored.

Then somebody raised their hand and began to tell a story of what he and his family was going through.

I felt stupid to think my problems mattered.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.”

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

What makes you happy?


If you base your happiness on anything this world can take away, you will be very disappointed over and over again.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Bliss doesn't have to be ignorance.

Be joyful, though you have considered all the facts. –Wendell Berry

It is a verb; not just a noun.

It is something you do, not just something you feel.

Love. It’s a verb. You can have feelings that you define as love, but you do not “love someone” until you act on that, and put them before yourself: their happiness, well-being, etc. You should apply this to the people who claim they love you but don’t act like it. Words mean next to nothing unless they are backed with action.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Clarity

I was slouched on my couch watching a John Mayer concert... It had barely started when he mentioned his song "Clarity." He mentioned that it is his favorite song. It really isn't mine. (I prefer "Covered in Rain," but I digress.) And I remembered I promise to get better at doing this blog thing... So there...

Clarity. Hmmm. I have a lot of years on John Mayer but clarity isn't something that comes to me often. And when it does it usually is synonymous with disappointment rather than joy.

I am trying to think about things I am absolutely CLEAR on.

...give me time....

....I'm still thinking...

...Hmmm...

I guess I am sure family is important to me.

Another thing is...

...that it is hard to please me... or maybe, in time I can absolutely get bored of things.

How about y'all? What are you CLEAR on?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Back from the dead.

Man...I feel so bad. I have not been here in 2 years. I feel like I have abandoned a friend. But I am still here. No excuses. I told you I'm not big on commitments. I am Procrastinator numero uno. I am lazy, forgetful...
Well it does not help that Life has taken over. Work, FB and Twitter. But like I said no excuses. I dropped the ball. It is not the first time and sadly it probably won't be the last.

Whew I am trying to remember where I left off. At one point in my life did I stop writing? I am sure I can pinpoint the exact date when I fell off the face of this blog but... I am no longer interested in the past. I have cut ties. I have buried the dead. I have burned bridges. I have moved on.

I have celebrated a couple of birthdays since then. Reality really has hit me. At this point, I know I have more past than future. That is scary. Time is running out. Clock is ticking. I gotta finish strong. But I may have lost the drive or the edge or maybe I just don't give as much of a F anymore. Luckily, maybe not giving a F would be a welcome change. You gotta stay tuned.

I was just gonna promise that I would write an entry a day. But I know that would be a lie.

So let's just keep it loose. I'll keep doing it till I don't. And if I don't, know that I meant to.