Loss.

I already know this is going to be a bad idea...

My blood pressure has been really erratic. I have gone back to doing martial arts to get healthier. Ok to look better... But primarily because I now accept my mortality. I know my body has a shelf life.

I do not know how I got this notion, but somehow I think I have maybe about a good 15 years. To some that is morbidly scary, to a few that is a lot of time.

Being around people younger than me, I want to think that their youth and passion rub off on me. My arrogant self though wish that something of me rubs off on them too. One thing in particular:

They should appreciate their youth because it does pass quickly.

In what seems like a blink of an eye, hairlines recede, you get rounder around the belly, eyesight start failing, droopy eyebags, hair where you didn't think hair belonged. Meds of all sort lining your bedside table, pissing with your hand pushing the wall for balance... yeah i thought that I was gonna burn out and not rust... but here I am... rusting away.

But what happens when somebody so bright, and cheerful and full of promise is gone? It effs me up even more. It is like basic rule just got broken. That somebody cut in line. That the world is not right.

As I write this I can feel my blood pressure is getting up there again. I know because I get this throbbing first on my shoulders, then neck then finally my head feels like a bowling ball. Oh the people out there close to my age know this feeling all too well. But I keep writing...   because I know if I stop I will never finish this. Oh yeah, procrastination... it did not seem to leave me with age.

Yeah I am part of THAT demographic now. I used to think people over 29 were old. Yup how stupid.
For a while before I started this particular spiel I said I was going to write my 18 year old self.. but then I knew my 18 year old self... he didn't listen to anybody. Definitely did not care to follow advice. I was the guy who touched the iron even when I was told it was hot. I wanted to burn for my self.

I am in pain. No. Actually I am pissed. The world is not right. Things aren't right. Fly the flag upside down.

There was this trashy Justin Timberlake movie about Time... I knew it was crap but I watched it... because the premise intrigued me. In the movie, people got paid in time. You do work you get paid in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. But even in the movie, life was whacked. Some people barely scraped by and some had centuries of time.

I am old. But if I do have just 15 more years left, I should make it count. Because I lost someone who was 19.

The world lost a little bit of it's color last Friday.

The problem is, we think we have enough time.

I feel old.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

So, take my love, take it down
Oh climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
Oh oh, the landslide will bring it down

LIVING THE COUNTERFEIT LIFE

Alex would print up fake 5 and 10 dollar bills on his copy machine and spend them in local delis.

"They check hundred dollar bills for counterfeit but not ten dollar bills," he told me.

Alex had a high end printing business. He'd make posters, brochures, ads. He had the best copy machines in the world.

10 employees worked for him. This was over 20 years ago. I set up his servers so I read everyone's emails.

One time one of his designers wrote an email to the secretary and said, "I can't wait to taste your strawberry buttercup tonight."

I was disappointed when I read that because I had a crush on the girl but I was intimidated by everyone I knew and ashamed to even say hello to anyone. 

At the local delis, whenever someone tried to hand me a five dollar bill back in change I'd hand it back and say, "can I have it in ones". 

Alex didn't need to print counterfeit bills. His business was successful.

I'll tell you why he did it.

Because nobody wants to work.

Nobody really wants to print posters. Or operate on your prostate. Nobody wants to sit in a conference room at a meeting about marketing insurance policies. 

This is why books like "The 4 Hour Work Week" are successful. Not because people want to work only four hours. But if Tim had written the Zero Hour Workweek nobody would've believed it. 

People want the 4 Hour Work Week because they want to be explorers and not prisoners for the other 36 hours. 

Doing their passion? Their life's purpose? Stopping global warming or malaria?

I don't know.

I doubt it.

Many people ask, "How can I find my true passion in life?"

People think, "without finding my purpose in life I won't make money or be happy."

So I will set you straight. Nobody has a purpose in life to buy and sell stocks. Or create an ad agency. Or build a big pretzel company. Or work in a cubicle. Those are tiny side effects of being alive. 

The only purpose is to do the things you enjoy, with the people you enjoy and who inspire you, as much as possible. 

Today, engage less with someone who you don't like, and engage more with someone you do. 

Today, throw something out. Maybe even throw out a bad idea you once had. Phew! It's gone. 

Write one email today to someone who helped you expand your frontier. Write "thank you" and let that feeling of gratitude marinate.

Today, let go of all of your dreams for just one moment. Don't be afraid that some of them might not come back. 

That's all. You can change the world another day. 

The only way to clean your dark room is to open the window and let the sun shine in. Right now. Then sweep the dust out. That's the best way to help the world. 

Today my passion was to lie in the middle of the road at 4:30 in the morning until the sun rose. It was fun. No cars came. Birds whistled at me flirtatiously. The sounds of the trains from the other side of the river rippled over me. 

Purpose is a man-made fiction. Nobody on their deathbed gets a plaque that says "he focused on only one thing for his entire life!" 

Those are counterfeit thoughts in a counterfeit society. 

And when you make your money, don't spend your five dollar bills all in one place or the rest of the world will try to enslave you. - Stolen on Facebook

Semi-charmed life.

I sometimes forget I live a semi-charmed life.

It is easy to desire more. More money. A palatial home. A fancier car. Fame.

One would be lying if one says it has never crossed their mind. But happiness lies not in these things but in enjoying what one has.

A true happy man is one who is able to distinguish the difference between what he needs and what he wants.

When we can not get what we love, we must love what is within our reach.

What is YOUR problem?

Today, a question was posed to people in the room. What is the cross that you bear?

In my head I was thinking of how I find a lot of people trivial. How I have a short attention span. How I easily get bored.

Then somebody raised their hand and began to tell a story of what he and his family was going through.

I felt stupid to think my problems mattered.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.”

Clarity

I was slouched on my couch watching a John Mayer concert... It had barely started when he mentioned his song "Clarity." He mentioned that it is his favorite song. It really isn't mine. (I prefer "Covered in Rain," but I digress.) And I remembered I promise to get better at doing this blog thing... So there...

Clarity. Hmmm. I have a lot of years on John Mayer but clarity isn't something that comes to me often. And when it does it usually is synonymous with disappointment rather than joy.

I am trying to think about things I am absolutely CLEAR on.

...give me time....

....I'm still thinking...

...Hmmm...

I guess I am sure family is important to me.

Another thing is...

...that it is hard to please me... or maybe, in time I can absolutely get bored of things.

How about y'all? What are you CLEAR on?

Back from the dead.

Man...I feel so bad. I have not been here in 2 years. I feel like I have abandoned a friend. But I am still here. No excuses. I told you I'm not big on commitments. I am Procrastinator numero uno. I am lazy, forgetful...
Well it does not help that Life has taken over. Work, FB and Twitter. But like I said no excuses. I dropped the ball. It is not the first time and sadly it probably won't be the last.

Whew I am trying to remember where I left off. At one point in my life did I stop writing? I am sure I can pinpoint the exact date when I fell off the face of this blog but... I am no longer interested in the past. I have cut ties. I have buried the dead. I have burned bridges. I have moved on.

I have celebrated a couple of birthdays since then. Reality really has hit me. At this point, I know I have more past than future. That is scary. Time is running out. Clock is ticking. I gotta finish strong. But I may have lost the drive or the edge or maybe I just don't give as much of a F anymore. Luckily, maybe not giving a F would be a welcome change. You gotta stay tuned.

I was just gonna promise that I would write an entry a day. But I know that would be a lie.

So let's just keep it loose. I'll keep doing it till I don't. And if I don't, know that I meant to.