I already know this is going to be a bad idea...
My blood pressure has been really erratic. I have gone back to doing martial arts to get healthier. Ok to look better... But primarily because I now accept my mortality. I know my body has a shelf life.
I do not know how I got this notion, but somehow I think I have maybe about a good 15 years. To some that is morbidly scary, to a few that is a lot of time.
Being around people younger than me, I want to think that their youth and passion rub off on me. My arrogant self though wish that something of me rubs off on them too. One thing in particular:
They should appreciate their youth because it does pass quickly.
In what seems like a blink of an eye, hairlines recede, you get rounder around the belly, eyesight start failing, droopy eyebags, hair where you didn't think hair belonged. Meds of all sort lining your bedside table, pissing with your hand pushing the wall for balance... yeah i thought that I was gonna burn out and not rust... but here I am... rusting away.
But what happens when somebody so bright, and cheerful and full of promise is gone? It effs me up even more. It is like basic rule just got broken. That somebody cut in line. That the world is not right.
As I write this I can feel my blood pressure is getting up there again. I know because I get this throbbing first on my shoulders, then neck then finally my head feels like a bowling ball. Oh the people out there close to my age know this feeling all too well. But I keep writing... because I know if I stop I will never finish this. Oh yeah, procrastination... it did not seem to leave me with age.
Yeah I am part of THAT demographic now. I used to think people over 29 were old. Yup how stupid.
For a while before I started this particular spiel I said I was going to write my 18 year old self.. but then I knew my 18 year old self... he didn't listen to anybody. Definitely did not care to follow advice. I was the guy who touched the iron even when I was told it was hot. I wanted to burn for my self.
I am in pain. No. Actually I am pissed. The world is not right. Things aren't right. Fly the flag upside down.
There was this trashy Justin Timberlake movie about Time... I knew it was crap but I watched it... because the premise intrigued me. In the movie, people got paid in time. You do work you get paid in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. But even in the movie, life was whacked. Some people barely scraped by and some had centuries of time.
I am old. But if I do have just 15 more years left, I should make it count. Because I lost someone who was 19.
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| The world lost a little bit of it's color last Friday. |
