Reality Check

Life sucks.
But for some it sucks more.
I just flew back in from the Philippines, It was more or less a yearly pilgrimage I make. My mom is there. She is living with the scourge Alzheimer's. I have family and friends who I treasure. But if I was to be selfish, I would rather go somewhere else. Don't get me wrong, the Philippines is a beautiful country. I would argue that it has the best beaches in the world. There is just so much poverty.
So when the Alexis Louise Quiza Foundation (ALQ), of which I am honored to be a director in their Board, came up with a project to feed street children, my yearly trip took on a nobler purpose.



A study said that there are 1.5 million street children in the Philippines. I thought, if we even are able to provide an hour of relief, from hunger and the heat, this trip would have been successful.

So, on November 25, the ALQ Foundation bought food from Jollibee,  partnered with Childhope Asia and fed street children at the Archdiocesan Shrine of Nuestra Senora De Guia.



We got to the site early. Prior to the feeding, my family and I elected to stop by and have a late lunch. Yellow Cab! It is my favorite pizza joint in the Philippines. Ironically, it fashions itself after everything New York, even though it's origin is purely Filipino. Anyway... We had our fill and started to make our way back to the Ermita Church...

By now, a group of kids where beginning to come. They were mostly pre-teens. I noticed some of them did not even have footwear. In my head, I wondered how they got around the grimy, blistering Manila streets barefoot.

Soon the hall was full of children. There was order in the chaos. They have obviously done this before. They set up the old rickety tables and plastic chairs that have seen better days. It was HOT. There were 2 small ceiling fans. One was broken. I was drenched in sweat. And it was the end of November! I imagine it was hot as hell in summer. (This is why as a side project, we bought 5 fans to use in the hall.) This same hall is used by volunteers to give the children a semblance of school.

 The Church, through benefactors feed this young ones one meal a day from Tuesdays to Saturdays. Our little Jollibee donation is definitely a treat. A break from the usual grub the church provides.

We were told that their usual meal for 50 children cost 1,500 pesos. That is less than $32! Definitely less than most meals I pay for a regular meal for 2 here in the States. I can imagine the meal for the children wasn't a feast.

Before the meal, I was asked to speak. I tried to wiggle out of it because, I had lost my voice a day before, but agreed because I wanted them to know that no matter how life seems bleak at certain times, there are people in the world who sincerely care for their welfare, and that they should not give up on what is good. The talk was more for me than them.

After that they prayed and thanked God for the food they are about to partake in.

What broke my heart was, we saw kids, try to hide away food on their plate...to take home for a family member...

That was the greatest lesson I learned. No matter how little you have, there is always somebody who always could need your help. I was touched that these kids would put aside the little they have for someone else. How can we not do the same? Message me for details on how to help feed street children through the Alexis Louise Quiza Foundation.

Saddest thing I read today:

It’s the only time in my life I ever tried to talk to God. First I asked him why. Then I asked him to help me. And he never said a word.

You know, the only thing worse than being shined on by God is having it happen at a time like that, man. But it’s just like the preachers say: you can’t fool God. He knows why you’re finally talking to him – because you need help. So God never answered me, and I was on my own. And the only thing I wanted to do was to die.

Second.

Ok, I'll let my monsters down.

I am a big Californication fan.

Sometimes though I remember that the highlight of the episode was not the adventures of Hank Moody or the scathing dialog but the soundtrack.

A number of songs on my playlist will attest to that.

One particular song by Warren Zevon; I really didn't care for the genre... but the lyrics hit me like a baseball bat.

I know because I haven't heard it in years yet I remember... It goes...

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELe4vC3oM5E

I think I have always known why I am often in a rut. But let me let my monsters down.

I am old.

And because I am old. I rarely give a f*ck.

When I was boy, I would scare myself shitless into putting an extra hour... just to be sure I do not suck the next day. The extra effort saved my skin a great many number of times...To be honest, because of it, on certain days, I even excelled.

Now? Oh very little scare me.  That is why NFG.

I know. It's sad.

That kinda explains why I haven't been here in a while.

Loss.

I already know this is going to be a bad idea...

My blood pressure has been really erratic. I have gone back to doing martial arts to get healthier. Ok to look better... But primarily because I now accept my mortality. I know my body has a shelf life.

I do not know how I got this notion, but somehow I think I have maybe about a good 15 years. To some that is morbidly scary, to a few that is a lot of time.

Being around people younger than me, I want to think that their youth and passion rub off on me. My arrogant self though wish that something of me rubs off on them too. One thing in particular:

They should appreciate their youth because it does pass quickly.

In what seems like a blink of an eye, hairlines recede, you get rounder around the belly, eyesight start failing, droopy eyebags, hair where you didn't think hair belonged. Meds of all sort lining your bedside table, pissing with your hand pushing the wall for balance... yeah i thought that I was gonna burn out and not rust... but here I am... rusting away.

But what happens when somebody so bright, and cheerful and full of promise is gone? It effs me up even more. It is like basic rule just got broken. That somebody cut in line. That the world is not right.

As I write this I can feel my blood pressure is getting up there again. I know because I get this throbbing first on my shoulders, then neck then finally my head feels like a bowling ball. Oh the people out there close to my age know this feeling all too well. But I keep writing...   because I know if I stop I will never finish this. Oh yeah, procrastination... it did not seem to leave me with age.

Yeah I am part of THAT demographic now. I used to think people over 29 were old. Yup how stupid.
For a while before I started this particular spiel I said I was going to write my 18 year old self.. but then I knew my 18 year old self... he didn't listen to anybody. Definitely did not care to follow advice. I was the guy who touched the iron even when I was told it was hot. I wanted to burn for my self.

I am in pain. No. Actually I am pissed. The world is not right. Things aren't right. Fly the flag upside down.

There was this trashy Justin Timberlake movie about Time... I knew it was crap but I watched it... because the premise intrigued me. In the movie, people got paid in time. You do work you get paid in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. But even in the movie, life was whacked. Some people barely scraped by and some had centuries of time.

I am old. But if I do have just 15 more years left, I should make it count. Because I lost someone who was 19.

The world lost a little bit of it's color last Friday.

Binaural Beats

I came across something on the web. It is called Binaural Beat

Wikipedia says:

Binaural beats reportedly influence the brain in more subtle ways through the entrainment of brainwaves and have been claimed to reduce anxiety and to provide other health benefits such as control over pain.

I tried it. I am not sure if it is snake oil. But I swear... I did get lucid dreams. Usually, I would dream but would forget seconds after waking up. But this time, it seemed so clear, so... real.

Also, at certain points just before I really went to sleep, I could see images...  Interesting.

There are free apps on iOs. You can even mask the tone with music, or sounds of waves, brooks, rain, etc.

Here is the YouTube one I tried before I downloaded it on my iPhone.

Try it. You should wear stereo headphones.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX_xgkv9MT8

Philippines.

The Philippines to me is like a relative who you sometimes wish will not show up at your wedding.

You love them but you'd wish they weren't such a pain in the ass.

You will never disown them. They are your flesh and blood. You will never turn your back on them. You will defend them at the risk of serious bodily harm...even death. But that does not mean you wish they were different. There are days when you could just strangle them.

Haaaay Philippines.

What is there to do? HELP. Be a catalyst for positive change. HELP. Do something! Bitching about issues is not helping. Gawa. Hindi dada.

Hopefully, during the next party, they'd be in long sleeved shirt not in a basketball jersey.